I guess it's time to lay out what exactly I'm aiming for in this blog. Why exactly am I trying to "discover simplicity in a metropolitan world"? Excellent question, gentle reader(s? one can only hope): and I shall try to provide an answer.
To put it simply, my life feels extremely cluttered. My room, my schedule, my responsibilities - all are examples of things that I have never managed to bring to a state of meaningful completion. Over the past couple of years, I have increasingly felt the need to resolve that which has been left undone; to finish what I've started; to decide what's truly meaningful in the midst of all the dross. I'm not talking about having everything pristinely organized for its own sake, or developing a rigid style and personality. I'm talking about cutting through the garbage in order to make the most of what I've got while I've got it, so that what I've got can be used for good - can be meaningful.
My natural inclination is to daydream, to throw together colors and patterns and layers of material together in art projects, to pay attention to immense detail just because I think it's beautiful. I need lots of alone time to experiment with my personal projects and missions. I don't like adhering to a rigid schedule, but rather going along with what I'm feeling. At the same time, I have another natural inclination - one that wars with this eclectic artsy-fartsy persona. Ever sense I was little, I have struggled with an often paralyzing sense of perfectionism, particularly in all matters moral and behavioral. There's trying to do the right thing, and then there's OBSESSING over doing the right thing to an unhealthy and unrealistic level - which almost always produces a sense of all-consuming guilt when those "perfect" aspirations are not attained.
In many ways, I have become MORE of a "free spirit" as I've gotten older, because I've been trying to break away from the misery that comes with such debilitating, self-inflicted guilt. This is good and bad: good, because I've learned to loosen up and not be quite so hard on myself or on others, and bad, because sometimes I let myself get so caught up in being artistic, dreamy, and enjoyable that I neglect some really important parts of daily living - even basic things like keeping my area reasonably clean or writing thank-you notes in a responsible manner. Sometimes dreaminess can be a little selfish, no matter how good your intentions. While I've always been pretty self-controlled and reserved when it came to my body, my personal space, etc., I have struggled with getting a handle on things and duties in my life. There's a sense of powerlessness that comes when you constantly procrastinate, lose things, and bungle your responsibilities, and at the same time CARE about the fact that you are messing up. I hate that feeling, and I am trying to find more order in my life - WITHOUT losing my appreciation for spontaneous passion, creativity, and beauty for its own sake.
What does this have to do with "metropolitan"? Well, let's just say that I live in an area that doesn't exactly promote simple living: the thriving insanity that is the Greater-Washington-Metropolitan-Area.
The thing is, I am NOT anti-city - far from it. It actually really bothers me when people assume that country=pure, and city=corrupt...that goodness only exists in a rural, bucolic setting and that cities are automatically on the highway to hell. God has just as much redemption available for people living in cities as he does for those in the country. Still, I know that I often let my busy, crazy, colorful environment (which I rather enjoy!) get the best of me - I ascribe greater meaning to the looks of things and to the pure excitement of it all than to those more essential things...faith, family, friends, giving to strangers, unlearning selfishness...that are truly beautiful.
In order to break past unnecessary distractions, then, do we all retreat to pastoral communes? No! I want to learn to simplify where I am, to make things better where I am for those around me. And where I am is here...in this nutty metropolitan area that molded me. An area that I kind of love.
I want to make what I have work for me. And the thing is that I don't want to WASTE stuff anymore, because there are so many needs in this world that could be met if we learned how to use our stuff more effectively. Not being militant or OCD about it, just being smart.
Whoa. I think I'm delving into the happy waters of sustainability and postmodern eco-friendliness. Those trendy "Green" celebrities and Al Gore would be proud of me. "Yay."
Now that I've spent a ridiculous amount of time blogging about myself...
Maybe I can work on that cover letter? And SIMPLIFY my life by starting to make enough money to pay for my own loans and take the burden off my parents? Sigh. It would be so much easier to put off that responsibility for the morrow...
Until then. Live long and prosper.
(Am I evil for linking to the new Spock rather than the old? Sorry. But let me plug for the new movie - it was quite enjoyable, even for this not-quite-a-trekkie who is more partial to The Next Generation than the original series.)
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